True Discussions - Lisa

Photo credit: Melanie McGauhey www.thevelvvettrunk.com

Living with the Lies

Most of my life has been a lie. I learned very early to keep my lies a secret. Many of my secrets were life altering and damaged me in so many ways. Very few knew my secrets and fewer knew the damage those secrets have caused me. I used food as both a comfort and a weapon to feel some sense of relief.

I began to believe the lie that whatever emotion I was experiencing, food could improve the way I was feeling. I was not in control of my eating. Food controlled and consumed me. Food was both my emotional rescue and my worst enemy. I ate because I felt bad, but eating made me feel worse. It was an ugly cycle. I experienced both extremes of under-eating and overeating. I have starved and I have binged. I have been underweight, normal weight, and overweight; often in rapid cycles. I hid my pain. I hid my extremes. I lived a lie. I was an overachiever, a wounded soul, and an emotional cripple.

I believed that being thin made me worthy of love and respect, and that being fat made me unloved and unworthy. I didn’t believe anyone saw the value of the real me. I gauged my worth by the size of my jeans, and lost sight of my real self-worth. As the emotional damage worsened, I sought comfort in food. As my weight increased, my self-esteem decreased. Ironically, I never found satisfaction at any weight. I never felt good enough no matter what the scale said, or how big a lie I lived. The lies just became more complex and the physical and emotional toll more devastating. This was a game with no winners. I was losing the game and my life. I almost lost both. Living with the lies was just not working.

Living with the Truth

Living with the truth is a very new way of life for me. I am like a toddler learning to take those first few wobbly steps. I still fall down, but it seems easier to get back up and try again. I can take a few, almost steady steps now. I am learning to look up and ahead and not focus on my feet. I can finally see the road ahead, not just the road behind me. Truth has taught me it is okay to stumble and fall, and that when I do, getting back up and trying again is the real success.

For so many years I lost sight of the road ahead. I had been stuck on a road full of u-turns. I kept going back and getting lost repeatedly. My life is no longer about the falls and the bruises.

Living with the truth has taught me to turn the light on and walk toward it; moving away from the darkness. Living with the truth allows me to share my secrets and my lies with others. Funny thing about lies and secrets - telling the truth frees us.

Am I free of the damage from the lies? Not yet. Has it been an easy journey? Definitely not. Is the truth the road to recovery? You bet. I found hope when I found the light. Hope and truth conquered all the lies. When I found the truth, I found me.

My “TRUE” Statement:

I am worthy and deserve love and respect, regardless of my weight or jean size.

Next Story: April